I've been wanting to write for a while about some of the events of the last week and a half. Now I don't care to mention them at all. I got an email today that was titled "You are leaving the 21st". Before even opening it, my heart dropped. I didn't actually expect this to happen. The nightmare turned reality. Even when I wrote home and asked someone to find a flight, I thought it was just words and words don't have much power, right? Something would change and I would end up being alright, without any sickness, my liver perfectly healthy. Just a big scare, another lesson in trusting God.
The title of the email couldn't actually be right, so I opened it up. Crap. Crap. Crap. No Way. Tears flooded my eyes, but I'm way too tough to cry in the office so I held them back and tried to focus on the screen and on the words and I couldn't but I tried and tried and tried. I swore in my head, twice, three times, four times, five times, and then closed the window and left the office to the fresh air where nature could refresh me and revive me and beat me once again. God I love nature.
I left the school to go get my test results. Why do I have to carry them? Why can't the dumb lab send them to the doctor. Now I have two trips instead of one. Why am I so cranky? I got the results and opened them as soon as I got outside. Medical words in Spanish made it much more difficult, but I got the gist from looking at the Bilirrubina and other numbers. I'm still really sick, my liver isn't doing its job. I had time before the doctor got to see the numbers, so I walked over to a nearby plaza and sat down. God I love plazas.
My usually simple thoughts were no longer simple. I was sad. I was happy. I was relieved. I was grateful to my family, they care so much, way too much, they're too good to me. I was mad. I was excited. I was sad. So damn sad. I thought back to the Bolivian Dodgeball tournament I played in two weekends ago with my students, and how we made it to the championship game out of 13 schools, and I got sad. I thought about when I listened to an Aymara priest talk about the beliefs in the Campos, and I was thankful I got to hear it. I thought about the near raping under my Terraza the other night, and I was glad I was there at that moment in that exact place. I thought about the Mountaineering Club and their trip this weekend with the Shoe Shiner guys, and I got more sad. So damn sad. Am I being the biggest wimp by not going? I know I could go, I know I could make it down that trail. Why am I being a panzy? Then I thought about my students and how I'm leaving them and how I have to say goodbye TOMORROW because many of them will be gone on the Mountaineering Trip on Monday, and the sadness hit a new level, and the tears came. Oh man. Then I thought about how I'm gonna see my brother and sister and mom and dad and new sister and spend time with all of them, and I felt a bit better, a bit happier. Then I thought about all I had to do before I left. Why am I sitting here thinking and feeling and watching the little kids play soccer, when I have so much to do? oh yeah, I love plazas. I sat there for the next hour.
I then went to the doctor. Good news. Bad news. News. I am closer than I could have imagined to really screwing things up. Relief. There is still hope and I will still recover, if I can not be stupid. I have to be careful. I am sicker than I thought. No room for error. Por lo menos, un mes en la cama. I'm glad I have a plane ticket for Tuesday. I am sad.
Now I have to tell people. I have to find a way to say good-bye to my home, to my family. I may never come back. I'm confused and I wish it could be easier, but it can't. It never is. If it were easy it wouldn't be very meaningful. I'm glad it's not easy. I thank God this will not be easy. If it were easy I would have to think that maybe my time here was a waste. At least the hardness gives me hope that there was a purpose in me being here, that I served God and people with my heart. My heart that now feels so broken....
God I love life.
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15 comments:
Son, honey. My heart aches for you. I know how much you love what you're doing and the people there. Nothing says you can't go back. Your family just wants you healthy and alive....so we're glad you're coming home to get that way! We are waiting to help you.
Jon-
Psalm 34:18 " The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
I will be holding you close in prayer as you say your "see you later's" to friends/family. If there's anything i've learned since September 6th - it's OK to sit in God's lap and let Him hold you - to cry, to laugh, to think, to be w/out thoughts, to sort, to ponder and to weep.
May God use you in your last days in Bolivia to be a testimony and an encouragement to the many others who are hurting and bring you home safely for healing -
I love you and can't wait to see you!!
Life, ups and downs, its well worth it. love ya bro.
scott
can't wait to see you in a bit... unless you look like a banana
oh yea, that was Dave
Jon,
You are in my prayers. I will pray for rest and peace as well as a fast recovery.
Blessings,
Kenna :)
I will miss you. we will miss you. More than you know. Coming for a visit next year? Coming back for another year or two when your better?
caity
Mr. Watson we wil all miss you specialy the big 8 grade class you will always be our best teacher
your worst speler matheo
hey Mr. Watson, it was really nice having you, you´ve been one of the greatests teachers we had yet it´s going to be hard to replace your spot, we are going to miss you a lot, just take care and I hope you can recover quickly, God bless
Steve
We will miss you Mr Watson, you will always be our best teacher
Juan Ma
You are already missed, and its just been a few hours. Just want you to know that your impact at the school has been ginormous! Anyways, hope your flight home went well.
Donna
Mr.Watson we will miss you alot, actually we already miss you!!! i hope you will get better soon!!! you have been a great teacher.
Candy^_^Dulce
***UPDATE***
To Everyone Who Reads Jon's Blog:
Jon made it home safe and sound late Tuesday evening. Thanks to all for prayers of safe travel and a speedy recovery!
I'm sure he'll be sharing about the # of movies watched, hours of x-box played, # of trips to Starbucks, # of hours spent on the internet, # of Dr. trips and whatever else occupies his while he recovers.
Watson,
I am sorry to hear you had to leave Bolivia, happy to know I may be able to see you this summer, moved and motivated by all the great things you were able to accomplish over there, and comforted to know you're going to make the recovery to the healthy side of life.
love, ethan
(hey, did you hear that Jamie and I decided to get married this summer? THAT'S RIGHT!!!!)
Jon. You are probably home now... I hope and pray you are doing well! Phil. 4:4-7... I know I ALWAYS use this verse but its cuz it's good! :) I pray that the "peace that transcends all understanding" overwhelms you.
-Alisa
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